just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
