pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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