I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
