I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
