I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
