i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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