you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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