Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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