life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
