hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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