The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
