life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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