She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
