Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
