i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
