so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
