I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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