I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
