last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
