The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
