My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
