You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
