I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
