Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
