I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
