Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
