You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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