Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
