Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
