I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
