You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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