So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
