Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
