so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
