he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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