I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
