Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
