not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
