Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
