I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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