FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
