Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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