WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
