my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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