He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
