last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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