So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
don't judge my taste in strippers
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
