I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
