Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
