I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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